Sea World officials announced today that Shamu, the Orlando killer whale who has ended the life of three trainers, will no longer be referred to as a “killer” whale. Names under consideration are Lover Whale, Buddy Whale, and simply TaQuisha. Sea World expects this move to focus attention on the family aspect of the Shamu experience. Officials say that Shamu had no malevolent intentions when it drowned the young woman who had been training her for more than a decade. The Miami Herald however, is looking into allegations of gambling debts that the sea mammal may have had from betting on Dolphin games.
Executives from Visa, MasterCard, Discover and American Express are expressing concern over Americans increasing dependency on cash. Citing worldwide devaluation of US currency, the credit giants say that cash is quickly becoming obsolete and they recommend that we become a plastic nation. A recent poll found that due to increasing unemployment, Americans don’t have any money, and need credit cards to pay bills.
The bad blood, which started when Chinese dissidents started using Google to disseminate information the government found dangerous, seems to be a thing of the past. Google announced today that they were purchasing the country for an undisclosed sum rumored to be in excess of a shit load. Immediately following the announcement, the Chinese government allowed thousands to fill Tiananmen Square, where they began to protest Google’s numerous privacy violations. Google responded with it’s own Googilian forces, ending the resistance before it even had a chance.
(ITB)-McDonalds International has responded to the national spotlight on obesity by introducing smaller doors at their restaurants. McDonalds spokesman, Daryl Phast, said that it would be unfair to the non-obese patrons to take the flavor out of fries, Big Macs and other well known Micky D’s high calorie staples. Instead, the restaurant chain has installed smaller doors that keep the obese out, and the flavor in. Test markets for the doors will begin in Alabama and Georgia next month.
(ITB)-Congress is considering expanding their mandatory five-day waiting period for aquiring a firearm to include criminals. Congresswoman Maxine Waters (D) from California, sponsor of the bill says “it’s time we got tough on crime.” Waters says the bill wuld force those considering committing a crime to wait five days before stealing or usng a gun. “This will force crminals to stop and think about what they are doing,” said Waters.
(ITB)-The Supreme Court’s recent 5-4 decision to allow corporations to spend more on political advertising has some critics saying politicians are now “for sale” more than ever. This has drawn the ire of justice Clarence Thomas, who feels that the high court is at a tremendous disadvantage.
“I feel like a bitch,” said Justice Thomas in an exclusive ITB interview. “Everybody be gettin there share, what kind of fool do we look like. There are 535 on the Hill, and they all gettin some. Sheeeet, I gotsta be lookin out for me.“
When asked why he was talking ghetto, Thomas said, ”Obama dropped the Negro dialect, and look where it got him. Fitty Cent is a multimillionaire and he’s a punk.”
Justice Antonin Scalia said he would have some friends from the old country look into the matter.
(ITB) Talk Show host Glenn Beck has experienced “a massive brain hemorrhage,” this according to doctors attending the tremendously successful Fox News host. The injury has apparently lapsed Beck into an irreversible coma.
On a brighter note, Fox says that Beck will continue to do his show, and complete his nationwide tour with fellow Fox star, Bill O’Reilly, with new dates added in Amarillo and El Paso.
(ITB) In response to yet another rash of DUI fatalities, Transportation Secretary Roy LaHood has proposed a new set of highways exclusively for drunk drivers. The Highway system would be called Intertstate .08 and would force the inebriated to drive where they could hurt only themselves.
The Secretary said that the road costs would be reasonable since they wouldn’t require smooth pavement, lines, and barriers between lanes. The proposed road is not without dissent however. Jeff Judah, a spokesman for DAMM, (Drunks Against Mad Mothers) is organizing a protest against the road, scheduled for 2am at the Waffle House right off I-40 in Albuquerque.
(ITB) -Shala-ali-Hasan, the mother of Ali-HalaLique Abdulmutallab, says her son may be a terrorist, but his underwear was clean when he tried to kill 330 people Christmas day. The man who tried to bring down a NW flight headed for Detroit by blowing up his underwear, was arrested and charged with the attempted murder of those passengers, but TSA officials did back his mother’s story.
Bob Strong, a TSA officials based out of Detroit, said a close inspection of the Wal-Mart Mighty Briefs the terrorist had loaded with explosive chemicals revealed no streaks or any other evidence that they were used more than one day. “He’s a lowlife piece of crap,” said Strong, “but his ass was clean.
Sea World officials announced today that Shamu, the Orlando killer whale who has ended the life of three trainers, will no longer be referred to as a “killer” whale. Names under consideration are Lover Whale, Buddy Whale, and simply TaQuisha. Sea World expects this move to focus attention on the family aspect of the Shamu experience. Officials say that Shamu had no malevolent intentions when it drowned the young woman who had been training her for more than a decade. The Miami Herald however, is looking into allegations of gambling debts that the sea mammal may have had from betting on Dolphin games. 
